Watermelon Greens *

STICK THEIR NOSES UP YOUR ASS. As Mostly Cajun reports, lying, idiotic watermelons (green on the outside, red on the inside) want to take away your Charmin.

Now, other people can handle the chores of deriding that notion as it so richly deserves. I want you to know a couple of facts — that is, bits of information with more than a kissing-cousin relation to the truth.

First: there is no paper product — no forest product whatsoever — that is made by clear-cutting old-growth forests. So put that notion away. And when somebody tries so sell you that line of bullshit, tell them where they can stick it in what they can use to clean up the resulting mess.

Contrary contentions reveal invidious purpose, and those positing them are full of shit.

And the easy way to refute this is with the fact:

TREES ARE A CROP.

They have a long “growing season” and the same “farmer” who plants them won’t harvest them, but they are, nonetheless, a crop — purpose-planted on vast acreage, a renewable natural resource. Forestry companies have little or no incentive to log other than in re-planted stands.

Old-growth forests — to the extent they still exist — are a pain in the ass to log, and cover such small acreage that they may as well not exist.
Most of what you think is “old growth” (say, the forests of the Appalachian Mountains) is in reality second growth. It was logged out in the 19th Century and — mirable dictu! — it’s grown back! (What WILL they think of next?)

Second: even if they did, so what? Forests have a natural life-cycle. They start on open land. Trees grow up. Trees get old. They die. They die in ever-greater numbers, until the detritus of their dying chokes the forestland. Forests burn. Creating open ground, and the cycle starts over again.

There is nothing special about so-called “old-growth” forests except that, when your garden variety idiot watermelon stumbled across them, (or, more likely, read about them in the New York Times), they happened to be in a late stage of the life cycle.

And here’s the thing that really frosts the watermelon’s shorts: CLEAR CUTTING MIMICS THE NATURAL PROCESS OF FOREST FIRES, clearing land, creating meadow ecosystems, and providing varied habitat for a wide variety of species. In some cases, a wider variety than you find in the deep, dark “old growth” forests.

On the other hand, as was observed by the invaluable Mark Steyn on Turdsday’s Rush Limbaugh show, the overwhelming majority of disease control (and therefore of health care) is down to personal hygiene. One big point about soft toilet paper is that it works. It cleans the shit off your ass. Given the nature of shit, and the little bugs that live in it, this is a Good Thing (pace Martha Stewart). Dry, woody, harsh, stiff, and rough stuff not only doesn’t work as well, it also irritates the tissue involved, enhancing the ground for infection.

How is this a win?

Now, it seems to me there’s a moral here. So much of what is wrong with the world comes from people minding other people’s business and not their own. I would encourage all those who love freedom to say it loudly to any of these nosy-parker busybodies: MIND YOUR OWN (OBSCENITY OPTIONAL) BUSINESS!

And thank YOU for your support.

(*The viney and leafy part of a plant whose fruit is green on the outside and red on the inside.)

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