So Dennis Kucinich Doesn’t Represent

MY DISTRICT, WHICH is a really good thing because — check it out — if he did, I’d have to move.

(And has anybody seen the before-and-after census numbers for Cleveland, because I may be onto something, here.)

I pretty much figured when I heard he was suing the Congressional cafeteria for 150 thousand bucks, (this man is incapable of embarrassment) … (Well? He’s Dennis Kucinich, for cripe’s sake! He was born to be the butt of jokes about Cleveland! If he could be embarrassed, he’d have died of it by now.) …

over an olive pit!

In a vegan wrap!

I. MEAN… SERIOUSLY?

And did you read the complaint? I mean, I know they teach lawyers Advanced Huffinesss and Indignation in lawyer school and all that, but this one just frakking takes the cake! It alleges that, like, the hairnet crew at the congressional Choke ‘n’ Puke deliberately (and with malice aforethought) put weapons of mass destruction (to whit: an olive pit). (I mean, serially, have you ever bitten an olive pit? Is there a seed that is softer and chewier than an olive pit? I mean, orly? I once broke a tooth on a pizza crust, but I pretty much knew the tooth was not long for this world in the first place. How dumb do you have to be to be chewing along on … ::giggle:: … your vegan wrap and come across an olive pit, and bite down on it hard enough to break a tooth and in any way not think, Oh. That tooth must have been ready to go at any second. My bad?) Only a self-important, perpetually aggrieved …liberal would even consider suing a taxpayer-supported organization (and probably blather about how he was serving some creatively destructive purpose by punishing evildoers who would DO such a dastardly thing!).

…over an OLIVE PIT! In a VEGAN! WRAP!

I just figured it had to be a scam to bilk the taxpayers out of yet another hundred-fifty large. Salary’s not enough. Doesn’t have enough pull in Congress for it to be worthwhile for a lobbyist to bribe him, or nothing.

Besides. Would you bribe Dennis Kucinich? Wouldn’t they take away your Evil Lobbyists United card? Wouldn’t they follow you down K Street shouting “Yo Mama!” insults at you from car windows if you did?

So, he just has to be desperate. That trophy wife of his wanted a new tongue stud, and he just had to get it for her. She might start making eyes at Rand Paul. Or Michelle Bachman. And that would just kill him.

Wait! He’s not capable of being embarrassed. He’s Dennis Kucinich, after all.

Oh, well. It was a thought.

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